Ok, so maybe it was wrong of me to create a Facebook page for my friend entitled, “Smokey Joe’s Dildo Tonic.” I realize that now. I’ve got a team of two Venezuelen refugees in my basement tirelessly trying to remove all traces of said profile. They’re working hard, but I can’t really guarantee that he won’t become a legend overnight.

Life is a series of experiences. Some of them are planned, but most of them happen seemingly of their own free will with no order or reason. The measure of personal success comes from not how you receive and deal with things, but how you charge forward and cultivate your own experience.

” You sure you want another?”
“Yep. I’m tryin to kill this herpes I got.”
“You know that wont- ah, nevermind.”

She said she wanted to get really hot & heavy. I invited the local chapter of Weight Watchers, and we all sat in the hot tub.

The more my glasses slip down my nose, the more it seems that visible reality slides further away. Maybe I can hang on and tumble all the way down the bunnyhole… Perhaps I should just go to bed and begin the nightly wrestling match with my pillow.

Books you never want to see on the family coffee table:
I’m O.K., You’re O.K., and so is Your Father’s Post-Op Vagina

How does it feel to have outlived all your idols?

I don’t know. I’m not all the way there yet. There are many people that have gone before me that I love and respect. The only things I feel bad about are that I’m still here having birthdays and experiencing physical human existence, while they’re on the other side, probably doing cooler things. As I look around, so many people are so shitty to each other, it really makes me wonder why I consider myself so lucky to still be here.

“About that time is when glittered pigs would fly out of my ass.”

“Well, fuck my ass and call me Shirley Temple.”

I purposely use big words in my work emails in a way that forces the recipients to spend time looking them up in order to understand the meaning I’m trying to convey.